I was so restless on December 23rd.  I spent the whole day cleaning in preparation for Christmas.  I finally went to bed after midnight and laid there for a good long while.  My thoughts were on the fact that I had reached an anniversary.  It was nearly the day when God called again to my heart and I finally listened.  Wrapped up in his loving embrace I surrendered and fell wholly into him.

I got out of bed and went for a walk in the very early Christmas Eve morning.  It was oddly warm for winter yet with the gently gusting wind whipping around me, there was a hint of a chill in the air too.

There's a certain spot in the place I live that I often retreat to.  It's there that I went and spent what seemed an eternity of just talking to God.  Loving Him, adoring Him and thanking Him for never giving up on me.

On my knees in the darkness of the morning, I prayed every prayer I know in English and Latin. My feeling was that I wanted to do something to show my devotion.  God knows my heart yet I wanted to do more.  The thought of veiling returned to mind.

Veiling is something I loved doing when I was on a silent retreat at a Benedictine Abbey.  The Latin Mass and liturgy of the hours is said there and as seems to be standard, most women who attend the Extraordinary form of the Mass, veil.

So, a new friend had given me a loan of one of her scarves to use as I didn't have anything myself.  Attending Mass while veiled was exquisite.  Above and beyond anything, I am His with all that I am.   Veiling felt like the way to be able to express this.

I had determined that from now on, I would veil!  Among other things, I knew I would come back to this Abbey and I would definitely veil.  So it seemed silly to honor God through veiling at the Latin Mass and not other Masses.  Christ is present in all of them right?  Why would I be more reverent in one and not the other?

However, two things had put me off unfortunately....one was ...my awkwardness telling me not to in all it's many creatively embellished lies and the look on my husband's face when I told him I wanted to veil.

He looked at me like I had said something insane and ridiculous. At least, that's how my awkwardness interpreted it for me.

Rather than ask for clarification on why he'd had that reaction, I dropped the subject and the idea too.

Yet, this call to veil...and yes that's what it feels like, kept at me.  It was getting stronger as December neared so much so that I texted my husband one night while he was at work and asked if he would be bothered if I started veiling.

He didn't respond.

The next morning when he got home he asked me when I ever thought he'd tried to stop me in my beliefs. I reminded him of the time I had brought up veiling and the look he had given me.  He said that he thought that the only women who veiled were widows and that's why he was freaked out.  He went on and told me that he would never interfere with how I wanted to practice my faith.

So...  I felt free again to veil.  My awkwardness continued to insist that it was a horrible idea and that I should definitely not even think about it.

Yet, I couldn't help it!

In that early Christmas Eve morning, on my knees, consumed with my love for God, I cut my awkwardness out of the equation.  I simply stopped listening to it. It occurred to me how silly it was to give more credence to the lies and deceit of awkwardness instead of putting Gods love for me and my love for Him above everything.  At long last I knew I would veil and Midnight Mass is when I would begin.